How about a conversation that you cannot carry because you’re thinking of other people and places?

If you have, you know it’s a restless feeling of sorts. There’s also the possibility that a sense of yearning for more or a desire to create anew, or quite possibly the realization of an entirely different mode of operation exists.

Most of these experiences for myself have been when sitting still, either at lunch or when trying to go to sleep. It’s as if my mind tries to keep my body moving so I cannot slow down and actually think about what is taking place.

It’s the same as driving a car down a street versus walking down the same street. In the car hardly anything outside of your tunnel vision is noticed or recorded by your consciousness. Only the double yellow and single white lines are paid attention to.

But when you walk down the same street you notice the faces of people, of all colors. The texture of trees and the colors of plants begin to be noticed. And you begin to become more aware, of yourself and the interactions you have with the things around you and the characteristics of people interacting with you.

And it’s here that I begin to wonder about the things I’m doing with the time I have each day, what the effects my decisions have. Instead of making quick judgement calls about people I see, when walking I have conversations with them and begin the process of building relationships.

Maybe we all need to do that within ourselves. Let’s try and slow down the fierce pace we set and notice the colors and textures of our surroundings. Instead of pushing those questions, wonderings, and yearns for something new out, let’s begin to court them, just as a relationship is built through conversation.

Just a thought, but go for a walk today or take a bike ride instead of jumping in the car. Honestly, it’s too easy. Besides, cars run on money and make you fat. But bikes run on fat and save you money. Same is true when walking. But do not just walk or ride for their sakes, do it to engage your mind and being with your world. Speak with someone new and focus on them and spark the beginnings of relationship. And do the same yourself, engage your own mind and follow those sense of desire for creating.

I dare you.

I left the church. For a few reasons, but yes, I walked away. I said my goodbye to friends and family and was gone. Quickly. And I realize now that I probably hurt some of them. For that I apologize. People I spent hours with I hardly see now. I have stopped keeping up with brothers and sisters that I care deeply for. Again, for that I am sorry.

Here are my reasons, they may or may not matter. But I hope that they will shed some light onto where I am at. And they are in no particular order.

1. I was exhausted, burnt-out, and beginning to despise the people I was with. Hours were spent in physical preparation while forsaking the spiritual. I was placing the church before my wife and the least of these. Instead of rejoicing in fellowship with staff, I was entirely too frustrated to notice. And I kept saying yes to requests. In doing that I stretched myself entirely to thin with no hope of returning. Imagine a rubber band and pulling it further and further apart. We all know where it goes, it snaps. I was there.

2. I wasn’t spending my time where I knew I should be. Ash and I moved into the ghetto to specifically share life with people and help reveal and restore people. But I wasn’t. I was too concerned with rehearsal, message notes, etc. Instead of figuring out ways to relieve suffering in my own neighborhood, I was hoping for an ‘@’ mention from an idolized pastor or speaker. I wanted my blog to be as trendy as theirs, but all the while kids didn’t have school supplies or dinner some evenings. Clearly, a kids health and education is more important than a series or fancy blog.

3. What I was saying and doing on stage was causing some dissonance. I was preaching Jesus in a place that seemed far from the Beatitudes. The cash I had spent on my guitar was insane. All to sound just a little better to my ear, which most folks didn’t even notice. My efforts seemed to be going to impress people, which Jesus kinda said not to worry about. I would talk about a Jesus of grace and peace and getting ‘into’ heaven. But was kept awake by the reality of hell lived everyday by my neighbors and homeless friends.

All of that led to me walking away. I’ve tried to go to a service here and there. Again, it’s a lot of talk about this man Jesus, but I seriously wonder if all of our efforts at creating a good ‘church service’ is even worth it. In an hour long service, where we sit on our ass, how many kids die in Somalia, Kenya, or Lesotho? During our deacon meetings, how many single mothers choose the bottle over there child because they are exhausted from having no help? How many immigrants lose their families because we refuse to stand with them? All while we sit starstruck and enjoy our speaker ‘challenging’ us to live more for Jesus. I could no longer be a part of it. I didn’t want to.

So what did I do next? Well, that’s another story. I knew what should be done, did I do it?

Yes. But only for a bit.

And then I got scared.

And ran.

Today was a much needed day of rest.  We all shared breakfast outside as usual.  We always laugh and share some humorous stories.  We all read until people gathered for church.  We stayed in Kholo-ntso all day today, which was a welcomed thing for us all.  Every meal we made and shared together.  For dinner we got a little creative and did rice, beans, and veggies!  We all shared in various responsibilities too, cleaning, washing, etc.  Very communal.

We walked a little ways through the Donga, or what we thought was a ways.  It happened to be only a few hundred meters from where we started.  We climbed out and sat for a moment to take pictures and take in the sunset.  We all agreed that it is almost surreal in a way, that sometimes we don’t even feel ‘here’.  It is unbelievable the beauty of this place.  We were sitting a hundred feet or so above a stream, surrounded by mountains.  No matter the amount of pictures, they would not do justice to this place.  We just sat and absorbed the beauty of our community for the next 3 months.

I love African church services!  They are so much better than the ones in the states where everything has to be perfect.  Today we went to Ha Kanunu for a Sunday church service.  The morning was the same as most others, cold with the sun just coming up as the village was beginning to stretch its legs.  We arrived at the village around 10 and did not leave until 3!  The service was 3 hours!  It was great!  We all clapped, danced, and sang songs together!  The woman danced, young and old, with smiles on all their faces.  A simple smile filled that village with happiness and joy.  A smile ushers pain and hurt away and brings in laughter.  What would happen if the world smiled together?  Would there be peace?  Would suffering end?  Would there be a place for violence?

‘The more we see, the more we understand.  The more we understand, the easier it is for us to have compassion and love.  Understanding is the source of love.  Understanding is love itself.  Understanding is another name for love; love is another form of understanding…Never blame, never try to persuade using reason and arguments…If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change.’ -Thich Nhat Hanh

I believe that to be true, the more we see the more we understand and therefor should love more and be filled with compassion.  That is what I believe.  This may not always be visible or known, but there is change when we act with love.

Today was a blessing; to see all the smiling faces of the children.  It sill amazes me the power of a child and their smile.  It stops me from thinking, moving, and breathing.  Smiling and laughing.  We should teach children to love, so that when they grow old they will love their own children.  It is not too difficult a task nor too expensive or unfeasible.  It is one that is radical in nature, not driven by profit or gain, but by love.  To share the radical love of a Jewish peasant deemed not good enough.

Today started with an all-star breakfast prepared by Drew: eggs in a basket soaked in butter!  While we were eating some cows came up and shared breakfast with us.  John and I got firewood from the Donga while Drew cooked.  As soon as we got up we were reminded that we rode horses for 5 hours the day before.  Not fun.

Our morning at the Dial house was the same, tea with some bread and a short devotional.  We headed out to meet some folks in a village further up the valley we have been working in.  We split up into two groups and did the same thing we’ve been doing, Creation to the Cross.  But I wanted something to be different.  I did not want to be the regular white missionaries from America asking people to believe in a book that damned them to hell for not believing.  I wanted them to see and experience the love of Jesus.  So I went and sat with the children.  I don’t know if it was anything different but I’m learning.  I want to break the language barrier with my actions.

The next rondavel we went to was some children running around while a woman was shucking corn.  So I sat down with the woman and she showed me how to do it and which ears of corn she wanted me to work with.  She and I smiled as her hands took mine and taught me how to do it right.  So I struggled to learn while she and the children laughed with each of my efforts.  Tim shared Creation to the Cross, and when he was finished everyone moved on.  I didn’t move.  I sat there with the woman and children, shucking corn.

My prayer was that I was showing her love in an extraordinary way.  It was fun to enjoy our time in silence as we worked.  The children laughed.  It was a good experience.  I was sitting on the side of mountain in Lesotho, with an enormous valley in front of me, shucking corn with a woman who I have no idea of how to speak to.  No words were spoken, we only looked at one another and smiled.  Once again, I am in a place that I never thought I would be.  After a good bit of corn shucking I joined the rest of my group for lunch.  And then we walked on to the next village.

A few things have been on my mind today.  Religious Imperialism and who really killed Jesus.  We live in a world full of religious imperialism.  It is just as terrible if not more than colonialism, mercantilism, and your standard imperial quests of empires.  We travel the world with our blessing of religion and doctrine, seeking to convert the unbeliever to our doctrinal beliefs.  Why?  Should we not travel the world for the sake of loving people?  Why do we share the stories of our religion, ask the to respond, and then leave?  Why not spend the day with them?  How about sharing a meal with people, and experiencing life together?

I think we frame the execution of Jesus a little differently than how it actually happened.  A lot of folks are convinced that the Jewish people killed Jesus because he was a fanatic and heretic.  Why would the Jewish community kill someone that had healed their sickness, fed the masses, brought the dead to life, and spoke truth and love into them?  I tend to think that it was the Roman Empire conspiring with the religious elite of the Jewish community that sold its soul to the Empire that killed Jesus.  The life of Jesus flew in the face of the religious elite that demanded strict adherence to their written code and the demands of the Roman Empire subjugating the Jewish community.  Jesus was a dangerous leader of His people.  Not because he was violent, but because he was a non-violent resister to the actions of Empire.  In the face of a government that demanded a pledge and allegiance to a flag, Jesus said there is no allegiances but to a King and Kingdom that is not of this world.  In the face of a society that esteemed the rich and powerful, Jesus blessed the poor and weak instead.  He took the foundations of Empire and completely destroyed them with his acts of selfless love.  Too often we take the political nature and implications out of the message of Jesus.  We make it a simple decision made while walking an aisle or saying a prayer.  But it is a serious effort to follow Jesus, live simply, love God, and to love people.

Father God, forgive me for not loving as I should.  Teach me how to follow Jesus.  Show me how to love you, and love Your people.  Call your people to serve.  Do not let us exist in comfortable apathy.  In Jesus name, let us walk in the Holy Spirit.

May 22, 2009

Yesterday was a blessing from God.  We started very early in the morning and picked up Entate Edward and then went into a village to gather some horses for a ride to a very remote village in the mountains.  Edward served in WWII in North Africa, and he had some amazing stories to tell!  The village was very hospitable and took care to make sure each one of us had the right horse.  I fell in love with mine, she had a foal that followed us around for a good while.  We rode for about 2 hours into the mountains and ended up at a school that had not seen white folks in a very long time.  They laughed at us a good bit and loved it when we would take their picture then show them.  It was a blast.

The school was one room, stone walls with a tin roof, no windows.  There were a few women to teach and cook meals for the kids, and one man who would teach.  It was a tough moment to be with these children that live in such poverty and sickness.  Something must be done, on a large-scale.  Our group gave them almost 200 Rand, which was about $20.  How much could one church give, or one family?  Those that follow Jesus must do so to the places he would go to; the sick, poor, dying, and outcast.  That is where we must go, all of us, to show them Jesus.

One could sit and help a woman harvest her corn crop, or laugh and play with children, or walk to the top of a mountain to spend time with the shepherd boys.  The love of God must be shown.

After mingling with the children for a bit, we all did a few songs for one another.  The kids did their’s in Sesotho, ours was in English.  They then served us a meal!  And it was awesome!  Chicken, greens, and papa!  So good!  We said our goodbyes and offered hugs and the traditional Basotho handshake and left down into the valley.

The ride down into the valley was one of the most special experiences in my life.  We went down some of the most steep trails I have ever seen.  The surrounding landscape was so beautiful!  All of the mountains, rocks, birds, cattle, and people were so beautiful!  Stream after stream, hill after valley, mountaintop after mountaintop, until we arrived back at the village we left from.  It was a time of enjoying the beauty of God’s creation.  When we got back it was past dark.  We headed into our home and made some soup of the stove that we finally got working and called it a night.

As I drifted into sleep all I could think about was the beauty of God’s hand and providence.

It was a good morning, we all prepared food and helped with the dishes.  We made oatmeal but added some milk this time and that helped with the flavor.  It is much better with milk for sure!  And the instant coffee isn’t so bad either.

Today has been a pretty good day.  We still haven’t figured out the stove, but that’s giving me an appreciation for a sleeping bag and layers of clothes.  It’s just reminding me of the daily struggle of the Basotho people and how each night they have to deal with the freezing rain and wind.

The day did start late, but we still had plenty of time to hike up Cell Mountain.  It was a decent hike.  On top is one of the cell towers for networks that provides service for the mountains.  This one had power lines coming from the dam, the other one runs off of car batteries.  Crazy.  John and I made it to the top first and had some time to ourselves to take pictures and congratulate one another on making it up.  The purpose of the hike was to remember Jeff, one of the Bell Shoals team members that passed away.  So we spent some time in prayer and celebrated the life of a man devoted to sharing the radical love of Jesus!

It brought to mind a quote from Bonhoeffer, ‘If you are in love with community you will destroy it.  But of you are in love with people you will create community wherever you are.’  I’m not sure if that’s exactly right but for the most part it is.  While here I need to love people, the Basotho, Drew, John, the Dials, and whoever else we come to have a relationship with.  God forgive me for loving community more than people, show me and lead me to love people as you do.  Help me to seek to share love and create community through your Spirit Jesus.

I will end tonight with a word from A Kempis.  ‘The more humble a man is in himself, and the more resigned unto God; so much the more prudent shall he be in all things, and the more at peace.’

We must wait for God, for everything in our lives we must wait for the Lord.  Psalm 26:8 says, ‘In the path of Your judgements, O Lord, we wait for You.’ Psalm 25:9 says, ‘Behold, this is our God; we have waited for Him, that He might save us.  This is the Lord, we have waited for Him; let us be glad and rejoice in His salvation.’  We must wait in the path of the Lord, for it is in the path of the Lord’s judgement that we should wait.  So let us slow down and wait on our God.  We need to listen, wait in silence, and to act when spoken to!  Father God, teach me to wait on You.

Thomas A Kempis wrote, ‘Vanity therefore it is, to seek after perishing riches…vanity it is to follow the desires of the flesh…vanity it is to mind only this present life…vanity it is to set thy love on that which speedily passeth away…endeaver therefore to withdraw thy heart from the love of visible things, and to turn thyself to things invisible.’  Our culture is based on all the vanities; the pursuit of riches, the desires of the flesh, the love of this life, and the infatuation with things that quickly pass away.  But the Kingdom of God is built upon letting go of riches, rebuking the desires of the flesh, not being held by loving this life, and an embrace of things eternal.  So we must learn to loose our hearts from captivity of vanities and then surrender it to the Kingdom.

Today started early, very early.  We had our usual breakfast and instant coffee.  Again we ate outside and watched the sun come up over the mountains.  We went into a group of homes that Alan and Babs had not been to yet.  It was a good effort.  I spent the majority of the day in prayer for the people I came across.  We went home to home and prayed over those suffering from sickness.  I know that as we were praying the Holy Spirit was moving and doing some sort of work.  I hope that they felt the movement of the Spirit.

It is so hard to be with these people.  My heart breaks. My eyes are heavy with tears.  I do not know what to do as I pray with people and then leave them hungry, thirsty, and dying.  I want to see them healed and made whole.  I ask that as I touch them healing takes place and their soul is mended.

After lunch we walked to the top of a ridge near by.  It looked over the entire area!  It was an amazing sight!  I am thankful for eyes that are able to behold Gods creation.  At the mountaintop I sat in prayer and meditation, just thanking God and praying over the Basotho people.  I was also seeking wisdom and how to share the love of Jesus with people.  I am not satisfied with only praying for them and convincing them they are sinners, we all are.  I cannot go on as if poverty and injustice are not being addressed!  There must be more done, wrongs must be made right!  Jesus, please show me!

Today we also got a new stove!  It heats well!  I almost took my face off trying to light the last one.  We had the good idea to put petrol on the coal and try to light it that way.  Needless to say, we had a good show of flames and then danced around a little bit!  But the new one works great!

I end with a thought I have been processing all day.  There should be no language barrier when sharing the Gospel, because it should not be dependent on the speaking of words.  Action and deed should be used to share the radical love of Jesus!

My first African morning!  The sounds of birds, cows, and dogs barking filled the morning air.  The sun was dancing on the sides of the mountains and the world was beginning to wake.  It was a glorious sight to behold  It was a cold morning though, our breath was the first thing we saw.  Breakfast consisted of oatmeal with fruit and a French Press courtesy of Alan.  All three of us sat outside and watched the morning come.  We have a dog that hangs out with us, he’s white and fluffy but definitely has a snoring problem!  We spent some time alone in prayer and reading before Alan came to pick us up.  It was a good morning with animals, children, food, and laughs.

As I was reading this morning I was not sure of what to pray or read or anything for that matter.  I have been in a place of blank thoughts for some time.  There has been no specific purpose or direction as of late.  My prayer is that God will give direction while I’m in Africa.  My hope is that God will show me how to follow Jesus and how to walk in the Holy Spirit.  I know that I need to walk with God and love with all that I have.

‘The path of the righteous is level, You make level the way of the righteous.  In the path of Your judgements, O Lord, we wait for You.  Your name and remembrance are the desire of our soul.  My soul yearns for You in the night, my spirit within me earnestly seeks You!’ Isaiah 26:7-9

God indeed makes level paths for those who love Him.  Though it may not be easy, the paths are level and straight.  My heart is waiting, my soul is waiting.  My very soul is yearning for God and my spirit is passionately waiting for a word from God.  I wish to just touch the hem of the robe of Jesus and to feel the slightest touch from the Holy Spirit.  I want to know God and share that love with others, in action, not merely word.

I am not satisfied with telling people about a loving God and a relationship with Jesus while leaving them hungry and dying of AIDS.  How much love is that?  I wish I could pray over them and they would be healed by the mere mention of the name of Jesus.  I pray that somehow, through my touch or prayer they will be fed, that their hunger will be gone, and that their thirst may be quenched.  Jesus once healed a man physically in front of some religious folk, those in charge, and people knew it was Jesus not because of the forgiveness of sins, but by the healing of a mans crippled legs!  It was the healing of that man who opened people’s eyes!

So how do we share Jesus?  What good is it to talk to someone and convince them that they are a sinner, telling them of the consequences they will suffer if they do not conform to your beliefs and then leave them hungry?  Who is that for?  We must redefine love!  We have to change ‘evangelism!’  How can we keep going to places and tell people about something that is completely foreign to them?  We must plant ourselves with people, learn their language, their life, enter into THEIR suffering, and love them there!  I guess it would be a more holistic approach to loving people.  It would be a circle of speaking the truth of Jesus’ love while we show them by carrying our own cross.

My mind has been on this all day.  It’s because we started ‘evangelism’ today and went to the homes of people and shared a story.  The story was Creation to the Cross.  Many times we told this story to someone with AIDS or to an entire family afflicted with HIV.  We spoke of a loving God and the Grace of Jesus, and then offered no healing for their sickness.  We walked away.  That bothered me!  I did not feel right in asking them to believe in my god, who seemed to just want me to share a story and leave with no tangible demonstration of that love!  I would not want someone to do the same to me, to talk about a god of love and leave me in my suffering.  I desire for a more tangible demonstration of the radical love of Jesus than the proclamation of a mystical story.

Jesus, please teach me how to follow you.  Show me how you walked in your Father’s will.  I want to be led by the Holy Spirit as you were, as you walked among the crowds of people.  Forgive me for not fully trusting in your Providence God.  Sometimes I doubt, and I am weak.  Please forgive me for having little faith and for doubting.  Holy Spirit lead me to Jesus, show me where to find my God.  Jesus, live in me, live through me.  And teach me as my Rabbi, I want to be your disciple.